I’m addicted, really. It started months ago but now it’s getting bad.
I just cannot believe what happened/ what could’ve happened. To think that I wanted to get rid of you.. Finally having choosing what I wanted, the decision was taken away from me beyond my control. You were gone before I got the amazing chance to meet you.
Some say it’s not my fault, but I will always believe it’s my fault. Because.. In all honesty it fucking is.
You think.. What’s better than a few anxiety pills to ease the pain & make you forget what the fuck you did the day all together?
It masks the pain. I would rather die from an overdose & be remembered as “oh yeah she seemed so happy and that she was getting her life together” type of thing.
I fucking am so sorry. I miss you. It’s my fault.
No matter how busy I keep myself, how much I accomplish.. I always find myself laying in bed just for a few minutes feeling a big weight of guilt on my shoulders and quiet cries underneath my blanket.
No matter how much you think you love your significant other, don’t give your life up for them. Because as you devote so much time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, love, hate, etc. you’re missing out on what life has to offer. You’re missing out on time spent with good old friends, opportunities to go places, and just enjoy time for yourself. You invest so much into this person because you think it’s a safe and sure bet. That the entire meaning of “us” is permanent. You realize, wow, a year has passed by..what have I accomplished personally? How much time did I spend with my significant other, and how much time did I spend alone, with family and friends? You realize that everyone around you has been telling you to not take it to seriously, but you just couldn’t help it. You can’t find a perfect balance for anything. You don’t want to. You just want to be with your significant other. Any chance that you can get, you spend with them. It’s a great ride, but surely it bites you in the ass.
What will it take for you to realize that the time invested on one single person may not at all be such a great idea? Will it take losing all of your friends? failing all of your classes? Or will it take seeing your significant other taking part in foolish acts?
How many times do you have to catch your significant other saying terrible things to you? Telling other girls that they need someone “attractive” in their lives? The constant feeling of untrustworthiness?
Really, what will it fucking take? You’re at a standstill with being alone and bitter, or having someone and paranoid. Paranoid that it’s all a joke. That you took it so seriously, when he didn’t.
You start to go crazy. Crazy enough to not study for an important midterm. Keeping yourself up with trains of thoughts stuck in your head.
He’s out partying, while you’re at home crying your ass off. If you even dared to go to a party, he’d want to be there as well.
Observers would say, if you have so much to say, so much untrustworthiness, then why don’t you just leave? Well, ask someone like me, you can’t explain it. You feel settled, like this is it. So much time and effort put into someone, that you can’t just quit and start over. How would you even start over? Where do you begin? How do you even flirt with someone else, or hold anyone else?
I feel stuck.
debut. in. 6. days.
feeling ugly and stressed.
god i hate when people fucking tell me that my mom is hard on me because she loves me
thats a fucking joke. first of all, if anyone ever fucking says that to me, i will deck them in the face & just cut em from my life.
no one TRULY understands how much hate my mom has towards me.
people don’t believe that a mother could hate their child, but they are wrong. i think i would fucking know.
and the people that do believe she’s a bitch are just fuckin bias, they don’t truly understand.
things i will never forget my mom telling me:
- i love your dad more than i love you (6th grade)
-you’re stupid and worthless (9th grade)
-i love you (never in my entire life)
-you’re dance will be shit, i’m telling you now (1 week before my 18th birthday, 9 days before my debut)
-i will not say a speech, welcoming speech, or prayer at your debut because you don’t deserve it (^^)
i can never truly express the amount of verbal abuse, hopelessness, depression I’ve felt because of my mom.
i keep telling myself its me. its my fault for feeling sad. its my fault for these scars. I’m stupid for blaming my mom.
but no, i’m not stupid. maybe i am right.
i can’t ask for anyone to understand me or be on my side. i just really do not want to have any connection with that woman. i really am looking into emancipating myself from her. or at least having no contact whatsoever with her.
do i love my mom? no i don’t