I’m a ticking time bomb.
I want to die, just let it be.
Stop referring me to doctors & psychiatrists.
Kill me, just say it was accidental.
My one wish.
After getting my first acceptance letter, i really just am sparked with motivation & excitement. I can’t wait to get the hell out of high school, & just figure everything out for myself. I can’t wait to finish pharmacy tech, get my license for that & find a part time job. I love my parents so much, & i really can’t express how lucky & fortunate i am to even get a weekly allowance, a car to drive, and their support. I can’t wait to pursue nursing, not because i’m that “cliche filipino girl” but i really do enjoy learning about health & i have such a great interest in the medical field, i’ve always knew my career path would lead to anything towards the medical field. I plan on going straight to BSN and maybe, if I really push myself, become a nurse practitioner.
I need to stop acting like such a baby about things, because i know things aren’t gonna be the same anymore, but i really want to make something out of myself. I want to contribute more to society. More than community service just to get hours for recognition, but to actually be a full-time working, busy independent.
I can honestly say my inspiration and motivation came from my older cousins. Seeing how different and much they’ve grown really inspired me to become that busy, all-around great person.
Also, San Francisco really was always my first choice. Just to get the hell out of here. But i believe that whatever college offers the best nursing program, & i get granted acceptance to it, it’s a given that i have to go for it. I can’t just run away from my problems within myself and here at home because running away doesn’t solve shit. I’ve ran away from almost every conflict, finding that it just bit me in the ass months later.
I just need to find a way to keep this motivation going because it truly makes me happy. I can honestly say i’m genuinely happy that i, finally, have a plan set for my future. & i pray to God, that whatever obstacle(s) i’m faced with i find a way to overcome it, & not run away from it again.
I can’t wait for the future. I really can’t. I can’t wait to cater to my parents the way they’ve catered to my everything for almost 18 years. I can’t wait to pay them back, not only the material things, but for all the emotional bullshit i put them through. I know they don’t understand depression and anxiety because the just can’t accept it. They can’t accept the fact that some people just need medication or therapy for it, but i promise, I pray to God, if you’re really there, that I will become strong enough to weasel off of all that. I pray to Him that this motivation i have won’t fall, i can’t let it. I just want to please you Mom & Dad. & not just that, i want to really love myself. I want to love who i will become & what i will make of myself because, really, what is life if it’s filled with pessimism almost all the time?
Whatever happens, I know that I will continuously try to stop running away.
still half awake
eight cups of coffee,
and because it
i am staying
in, but i can’t
no. i can’t & won’t be warm
until you’re here.